Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

There is this guy at work who is always extremely cheerful. Whenever I ask him how things are going he always responds, “Fantastic!” I know this can’t be real and it annoys me he is so fake. How do I call him on it? - Sick of Fake Boy

A: DEAR SICK OF FAKE BOY:

This guy sounds like he has not come out of the closet yet (about his work rage) and you are that person who is annoyed by it. It is time to tell him he needs to get with it and join the miserable community of workers at large, otherwise he is going to be very unpopular.

But seriously, maybe this guy is not trying to unload his baggage on his co-workers. Don’t worry though, I’m sure this guy deep down knows he is miserable; he is just not ready to share it with the world. Why rush him? Have some compassion as this person is unable to express his true bitterness and rage. He will eventually, don’t worry. As long as you are in touch with your unhappiness, that’s all that matters.

BOTTOM LINE: “Each to his own.” – said Herodotus

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

There is a person at work who always leaves the copier machine jammed. He walks away and doesn’t try to fix it, leaving me to sort out his mess. How can I stop him? - Trumped

A: DEAR TRUMPED:

Tell him the office police have been filming him. “I know what you’ve been doing at the copy machine, and if you are caught again…consider this a warning.” You could also beat him to the punch and leave the machine jammed for his sorting out.

But seriously, if you definitely know it is he who is jamming the copy machine, confront him point blank. Tell him he needs to try to fix the machine after he jams it out of courtesy for the next person.

BOTTOM LINE: Reasonable confrontation is expected - and healthy.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

There is a guy in my vicinity who slurps his coffee every morning. Clearly his mother never taught him any manners. How do I tell him to stop slurping without offending him and making him feel like he is lacking manners? – Too Polite

A: DEAR TOO-POLITE:

Tell him you just bought your dog Fido one of those collars that zaps him if he barks. Explain, “I’m thinking of patenting one for humans who slurp their coffee. Would you like to be my guinea pig?”

But seriously, chances are, if he is a guy, he won’t feel that stupid or offended; he’ll just shrug it off. That, or he’ll slurp extra loud to spite you. Hopefully he is not a vindictive-type and will make an effort to sip rather than slurp.

BOTTOM LINE: Use humor to dissipate the patronizing element of any comment.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

I’m aware that one of my co-workers smokes pot before he comes to work. I guess that is fine, but sometimes he messes up the paperwork and makes other small mistakes. I don’t want to report him either. What should I do? - Concerned

A: DEAR CONCERNED:

Next time you see a paper misfiled, approach his desk with the paper in question. Bring your fingers up to your mouth as if holding an invisible joint and pretend to suck in deeply. After a long exhale say, “Please file this correctly this time.”

But seriously, An estimated 3.1 million Americans smoke pot on a daily basis, and I am willing to bet a lot of them have jobs. I would not interfere in his business unless a major mistake happens. Most of the time the worst mistakes are made totally sober.

BOTTOM LINE: Don’t be too concerned. After all, he is not.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

There is a co-worker whose coffee breath is extreme. Unfortunately I have to deal with this person quite a bit. How do I alert this person that they have bad coffee breath? – In Need of Air

A: DEAR IN-NEED-OF-AIR:

Next time he comes around, put on your gas mask. If he asks what you are doing, tell him you are taking preventative measures. Say, “Just like preparing for something as major as an earthquake, one must also prepare for something as major as your breath. Want a mint?”

But seriously, one polite way to ward of dragon breath is to have a pack of gum on you at all times. When he/she approaches, offer them a piece. Most people will accept out of self-conscious worry it is a hint. If he/she says no, ask politely, “Are you sure?”

BOTTOM LINE: Instilling paranoia works wonders.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

I found out through the office grapevine that somebody said that I was racist. I have no idea why they think that about me. I feel it is really awkward to bring it up now, after the fact. How do I let this person know I’m not racist? - Misunderstood

A: DEAR MISUNDERSTOOD:

Why do you think this person thinks you are racist? When you run into your colleague next time at the water cooler, tell him your favorite films are “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” Cut out a Benetton advertisement and frame it prominently upon your desk. Tell this person, “These are the kids I plan to adopt someday. Oops, I’m late for my local rainbow coalition meeting. Got to go!”

But seriously, I don’t know the details of the situation or the personality of this person who thinks you are racist. Some people do not like change, and like to dislike new-comers. I would try and get to know this person. If you are not getting the warm and fuzzy vibe, I would confront this person and say, “I heard you thought I was racist. I am wondering what gave you that impression?” Then defend yourself in a logical way and no matter what keep your cool.

BOTTOM LINE: Clear the air, but don’t over compensate. You have nothing to defend if you are not indeed racist.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

My cube mate, once a week, cuts his fingernails with a nail clipper at his desk. This sound annoys me to no end and is like fingernails on a chalk board to me. I know we all need to keep our nails short, but does he have to do it at work? How can I tell him to stop without seeming like a snob? - Pet peeved

A: DEAR PET-PEEVED:

You are not being a snob if you tell him to stop. Do you clean out your belly button or ear wax in front of him? No, and your co-worker should have the same respect for you. This is not Saturday in your bathroom; this is Monday at your work station! Next time he clips, say, “Ahh! That sound is so annoying! That is disgusting! Didn’t anyone teach you any manners?” A less confrontational approach would be to steal his nail clippers, if needed, repeatedly. He may decide to keep them at home after all for safe keeping.

But seriously, I think there is nothing wrong with saying casually, “Hey man, that sound really bothers me. Do you think you could do it in the bathroom or something, or when I’m not around?” If he thinks you are an uptight stiff for saying that, then admit you are. When both parties take responsibility, problems are solved more swiftly.

BOTTOM LINE: Politely ask him to stop. If he does not, blare your I-Tunes.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

There is a person in my office who sends company-wide e-mails about really lame things. She recently sent out an e-mail accusing someone of using milk in the fridge that belonged to her and the President, which was unnecessarily accusatory. How do I get her to stop? - Plagued by Random Acts of Mindlessness

A: DEAR PLAGUED-BY-RANDOM-ACTS-OF-MINDLESSNESS:

Ask her if she has ever heard of the expression, “Those who smelled it dealt it?” If she looks horrified, rephrase, “Do you ever watch crime shows? Did you would know that most of the time the accuser of the crime usually is involved. By the way, got milk?

But seriously, send her an e-mail asking to be taken off of her mailing list saying something like, “Can I be exempt from these kinds of e-mails in the future…about petty crap like mustard and milk?” You can leave off the petty crap part if you want to stay on good terms.

BOTTOM LINE: A polite question can go a long way. At least she is now aware that she is annoying.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

I just started working for a small company. There is a woman who is not much older than me, but acts however like she is my superior in the sense that she asks me to do things. She’ll start the phrase off with “I’m going to need you to…” as if she has the authority to boss me around. She’s been here longer than I have, so I don’t know if she does. How do I get her off my back? – Don’t Want to Take It Anymore

A: DEAR DON’T-WANT-TO-TAKE-IT-ANYMORE:

Next time she says, “I’m going to need you to…” look at your watch and say, “Last time I checked, I already had a boss.” If she opens her mouth to respond, interrupt with, “Oh yeah, I’m going to need you take the trash, clean my desk, and um, file these. Thanks!”

But seriously, I would ask your boss if her asking you to do things is appropriate. Your boss most likely will feel protective over you because it is an ego thing. If your boss does not know or care, next time this woman pulls an Office Space on you, tell her you are too overwhelmed with your current responsibilities to help her.

BOTTOM LINE: Draw your line in the sand. If this person has real power to veto your move, you’ll find out.

Q: DEAR WORKING STIFF:

I work with someone who is a hypochondriac. If she sneezes, she thinks she is coming down with pneumonia and starts popping Echinacea. How do I wake her out of this delusion? - Tired of the Woody Allen Routine

A: DEAR TIRED-OF-THE-WOODY-ALLEN-ROUTINE:

If she is a hypochondriac, she’s probably also OCD about germs. Explain to her that there are germs everywhere, but especially at work. Exclaim, “Look at the door knob. Do you know how many people just touched that and where there hands have been?” Freak her out until the point of a total nervous breakdown; after all, a Phoenix can only rise out of the rubble.

But seriously, tell her she needs to wake up and smell the office coffee. Tell her what doesn’t kill her makes her stronger. It’s only a neuroses. Snap out of it!

BOTTOM LINE: Educate her with small comments. Otherwise, let it be.